Meet My Daughter Yvette

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Meet My Daughter, Yvette

Unedited thoughts by Mary Glass

June, 2007

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A special gift given by God on June 3, 1982, Cedars-Sinai Hospital, Beverly Hills, California, at 12:13am.

Fast forward 22 years, 3 months, 2 days — Thursday, September 8, 2004, my beautiful, gifted daughter ascended to God, Manhattan, New York, on the FDR Freeway.

The theme of this Citigal issue is “Relationships”.

My article highlights personal SNAPSHOTS of a special relationship with my daughter, Yvette Terease Flagg.

The relationship started in my womb and continues today in her tomb. It highlights various relationships along the way - during my pregnancy, grief training, daily efforts of keeping her alive, but most of all, the blessings of Jesus that have helped me open the window wide to the world of grief and the adjustment that is daily.

Pregnancy – In the Womb
Never was a woman as happy inside as I when my physician, Dr. Lewis Wyatt, Los Angeles, California told me that I was pregnant – October, 1981. It was a status I had dreamed about. It was a position of love, honor and privilege – so taught by my Mother, Mrs. Jeanette Bond Glass. At 36 years old, I thought that I would be left out. So from the moment I was told, I engaged in a RELATIONSHIP of LOVE through discovery.

The months of pregnancy were filled with wonderment. Why, I would laugh, talk, take the baby to lunch, go sight-seeing, listen to special music for her enjoyment (mine too) and watch my stomach grow.

Dr. Wyatt, Obstetrician and Gynecologist had been referred a few years back by friend, co-worker, and mother-expert, Daarina Ali. She and I taught American and foreign students (African, Latino and Asian) at Los Angeles Business College. We would often talk of my desire for a child. She had three children and made it a point to be knowledgeable, about health and children. Daarina shared a special book from her personal library that gave the timeframe and stages of development for a baby.

So, I believe I clocked the time Buddie, the affectionate nickname I gave Yvette, received the hair on the back of her neck. Also, Daarina had advised me that the reoccurring “heartburn” that I was experiencing in the final trimester was due to Yvette having a head of hair. She was right; Buddie came with a head full of black curly hair.

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Baby and Me
I feel I had an enviable pregnancy – 2 minutes of morning sickness in the whole process. I think it was the smell of sausage that did it.

The other time she made her presence known was when I was late eating one morning and she was hungry. Boy did she kick, but just as soon as I down the first two bites, of the regular diet, oatmeal, eggs, bacon and milk, she settled down. That incident of kicking revealed to me the fine-tuned relationship of my body and its “host” position for my baby.

Eating was always special to Yvette. As an adult, she was weight and health conscious. She meticulously prepared food with exact ingredients. As a toddler, she ate food separately; all the meat, then all the vegetables, then all the fruit, etc. She did not mix the foods until after she went to day care school.

Amnio
Being over 35, Dr. Wyatt, scheduled me for an am•ni•o•cen•te•sis test - A surgical procedure for obtaining a sample of amniotic fluid by inserting a hollow needle through the abdominal wall, to detect genetic defects or possible obstetric complications. His reason was to see if my baby was Down syndrome, had sickle-cell anemia, etc. It also gave gender. I wanted to know all.

Every part of my pregnancy included “relationships” that were memorable and provided discovery. My Amnio test was given at the UCLA Women’s Center on a sunny and pleasant day. I lived in Culver City and UCLA is West LA-Brentwood area, about 20 minutes by bus. Even though Dr. Wyatt had reassured me that the center was well-known and respected, I was concerned that they would harm my baby. I feared they would stick her with that long needle.

On the day of the test, the technicians constantly reassured me that Buddie would not be harmed. In a short period of time, the test was over. Glad to be over the test, I treated Yvette and me to an ice cream cone – it was followed by a pleasant ride on the bus. A few weeks later, I found out all was well and I would have a girl. The episode yet stands out in my mind and causes a chuckle.

Baby, Me and Black Women’s Network
When I learned of the pregnancy, I was busy pursing my career, working with corporate clients in Office Automation.

Besides traveling with the trade organization, I was a founding member of a professional organization that provided sisterhood, the Black Women’s Network. The members were aggressive, progressive and successful women in politics, law, education, business, entertainment industry, redevelopment, real estate, journalism, graphics design and many other fields.

We formed the group for “networking” after attending training at the University of Southern California.

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To my surprise, the group decided to host the Baby Shower.

Fellow founding member and Graphic Designer, Carol Wharton, designed Yvette’s Invitation and had it printed. It was pink with red lettering and called, “Yvette’s Candy Cane Lane”. On the cover was a baby girl crawling down the Candy Lane with a head full of curly hair.

The shower was held around the pool at the beautiful home of fellow founding member Shirley Bagby. Co-founder and friend, Hortense Peoples was the Baby Shower Coordinator. That automatically meant that the shower would be well-executed and with superb taste. She and the other founding members provided a special meal, decoration, music, and an array of the most beautiful and expensive clothing up to 4 year old size.

It was Hortense, who yet lives in Los Angeles, who surprised me with her visit to Yvette’s Funeral; and, founding members Carol Wharton, Marva Smith Battle-Bey, Baynihah Ali and others from Los Angeles sent their condolences.

Baby and Family
My mother announced my pregnancy to the family. They were very supportive as always - My mother taking the lead. They would call; send cards, flowers, money, and gifts.

For the Baby shower Pat, my youngest sister, sent an All-In-One huge box for the newborn - consisting of bottles, diapers, bibs, night shirts, gowns, rattle, pacifier, socks, dress-up outfits, t-shirts, baby pins, soap, lotion, shampoo, baby cloths, eating utensils – spoon, plate, cup, blankets, and coupons for more.

Mom and Dad sent a beautiful white baby crib with all the beautiful trimmings; and, the rest of the family sent money and their love.

At four months into my pregnancy, my mother treated me to a plane ticket for the family gathering in Detroit during the Xmas holiday in 1981. The visit allowed me to show off a tiny stomach budge and to introduce Yvette to the family. It was her in-the-womb introduction to the family.

The morning of delivery, my cousin Marie and Bill, her significant other, took me to Cedars-Sinai Hospital around 6 am.

Last Trimester
During the last trimester, Dr. Wyatt scheduled a half-day orientation at Cedars-Sinai regarding my chosen delivery, C-Section delivery.

The thorough orientation allowed visits to each of the areas that I would be taken to. I had conversation with nurses and technicians. Before leaving, I chose my after-delivery dinner. The dinner came with a bottle of Champagne from the hospital.

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I also had a special briefing by the Anesthesiologist that was assigned to me. He explained the Epidural process (regional anesthesia I had chosen). The briefing by the nurses explained breastfeeding, changing diapers, and what to expect before and after delivery. The C-Section Seminar calmed my fears – just like Dr. Wyatt said it would.

Birth, Dr. Wyatt & Champagne
You never know who will be with you at your profound times of need.

I had a private room with round-the-clock nurses the whole time before and after birth. They were extremely attentive. Dr. Wyatt had many times during my pregnancy told me not to worry because he would be there for me.

He arrived in my room about 11pm, examined me, set on the side of the bed, cracked a joke or two, answered my anxious questions, propped up his feet and took a snooze.

About 11:50pm, he asked if I was ready. I said “Yes.” He told the staff to move me to the delivery room – my baby was born at 12:13am through C-Section delivery.

I was conscious all the time. Dr. Wyatt said, “You have a beautiful baby girl”. I asked if she was all right and did she have all her fingers and toes. He said yes to both questions. I asked to touch her; they raised her hand for me to touch and told me that they were giving me a sedative that would have me sleep for several hours.

The special meal and bottle of Champagne to celebrate was delivered for dinner. Both the meal and Champagne were “tasty”.

Grief
During the last thirty-one months, I have faced guilt, anger, deep sadness, forgiveness, depression and aloneness (different from loneliness). Aloneness for me is the physical absence of my daughter at events, holidays, family gatherings, and everyday life – Yvette and I makeup our family.

It is so overwhelming sometimes. It is breath taking – It is thoughts in motion – It is tears streaming down – It is laughter – It is seeing glances of her in other young women – It is the smell of her perfume – It is knowing that I will not have grandchildren – It is a deep longing to see, talk, hear and be with her – It is the wonderment of why and what would she be doing right now – It is a quiet smile from a pleasant memory – It is the statement, “I Love You Buddie”!

My approach to my grief has been to embrace it. Embrace it when it comes. To allow myself the opportunity of grieving – a natural process. That means sometimes I wail and most of the time, cry in silence, wherever I may be. When there is “wailing”, I enter instant depression.

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My paradigm shift was put in perspective during my “Grief” training at St. Francis Hospital. This was a 6-week class facilitated by two experienced Chaplains.

Through a fellowship with six (6) other men and women, grieving their loss, I was put in touch with the inner me - the mother, the female, the friend and caretaker. I was the only one with the loss of a child. Loss of a child is considered the most difficult since it indicates shorten years here on earth and the normal thought that the parents usually die first.

The loss of my child has put me in front of Jesus for needed strength.

I remember Yvette coming in spirit before the funeral and saying, “God is sending me a long, long, way and I am happy to go” – It was our first communication after her ascending and her way of letting me know she was OK – One of the things I would always ask of her – let me know you are OK.

Next, it was her surprise appearance with me during my first visit to church after her ascending.

I was angry with God/Jesus for allowing this to happen and had not gone to church nor talked to the priest.

My junior sister Pat convinced me to go – “Girl you better go talk to the Lord.”

As I entered the Cathedral I wept bitterly and walked up to the hanging statute of Christ hanging on the Cross. When I stopped, Yvette appeared on both sides of me. I asked Jesus “Why?” The spirit replied, “It had nothing to do with you or Yvette. If you know about the life of Christ, he was spat on, lied on, speared in the side; and was killed. He had to ascend. Yvette had to ascend.” At that moment, the heavy plate of guilt that I had been carrying around, as to something I may have done to cause my child’s death disappeared and was replaced with a thought of dancing.

About the same time, Yvette said to the Spirit, “I told you she would not understand unless you explain it to her”. A comforting smile comes to my face every time I think of what Buddie said on my behalf – She was there for Ma (the name she gave me). She wanted me to understand. Another point I used to stress about the importance of being educated – talk and explain yourself.

When I went to New York to pick up her things, she appeared as the brightest and whitest dove, not a pigeon, a dove perched in the middle of the hotel fence that I stayed at. It was another sign of her being at “Peace” and her providing the comfort of peace to me.

Grief can take over a present mood and force you to re-live dates and times that can be painful. I am learning more and more to control the thought of the moment.

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For example, I can trump the sad feeling by the thought of how happy I was when Dr. Wyatt presented the news of my pregnancy in the form of a question, and, how we both laughed – I think about my relationship with my mother regarding my pregnancy - How fond she was of “Pooh”, her nickname for Buddie.

I remember the time that Yvette drew two pictures at 1 ½ years old, she said one was a man and one was a frog. The detail drawing of the figures were not that they looked like either but how skilled the lines of the picture were with the pencil, not at all like a 1 ½ year old.

I remember her elementary, high school and college days - In Grade 3, reading at 6th Grade level with ease – getting her in the Gifted and Talented program at Milwaukee Public Schools.

Her as a student of ballet, debate, modeling, drama, swimming, tennis, College for Kids, Art, drama, violin, debate tournaments, drama class, school choir recital and field trips to Washington, DC twice.

Thoughts of travel - Our 15-day (Yvette and I) trip to Europe - England, Paris, France, Geneva, Switzerland, Monte Carlo, Rome, Italy and other parts of France and Italy. Our trip to Disneyland.

Or, her solo drive by car to New York in January, 2004, with a stopover at my junior sister’s house.

The many, many years I served as Yvette’s chauffeur. Her extracurricular activities, going to camp, going to art school, going to prom, years at Marquette University.

The many sleepovers. Her 6 year-old party with classmates at Red Lobster with Mike & Woody (Ventriloquist). And, of course the many hours of trusted and appreciated care by Ms. Lula, Yvette’s Nanny.

Three re-occurring thoughts that hunt me are, Why My Child? Why did she die the way she did – ejected from the car, massive head trauma? Did she suffer? I was told based on the head injuries, she died instantly.

I have to quickly exit from these thoughts before they consume me with grief that is automatically followed by a consuming depression. I know my embracing of the feeling of grief is a life-long process that allows growth if I allow it.

Keeping Her Alive
From the moment of being informed of Buddie’s ascending, I have felt a strong spirit within me to see that she stays “alive”.

I stay in touch with her through frequent visits during the day with “I love you Buddie” messages; and, with other affectionate greetings when I open to the face of my cell phone. Her picture is right there.

Other ways at other times are through snapshots in memory, cards, photos, her friends, dreams, talks with my sisters and others. I keep her alive with monthly visits on the 8th, holidays and impromptu visits to her resting place to TALK. Part of the ritual on the 8th of the month during spring, summer and autumn is to leave cat eye marbles in her bird’s bath to show that someone has been there to visit.

Our TALK include telling her the happenings, telling her what I am doing, asking for her blessings, laughing about incidents and people, telling her that I love her, telling her how the weather is and giving prayer.

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I have noticed how the thought of my daughter instantly takes over. It is like it is waiting to be explored and to be remembered. I enter the thought of the moment and instantly I am swimming in a stream of memories that connect time, events, situations, scenes, people, and relationships in Technicolor.

Today, it’s these memories that help me keep the relationship of love I have with Yvette alive.

She will be 25 years old, June 3, 2007 – Yes. I am planning a celebration.

RELATIONSHIPS – A connection, kinship, involvement.

Mary – Yvette’s Mom

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